Thursday, May 17, 2018



The bed beneath me is covered in a white comforter, the pillows softer than anything I've leaned on in the past six months. The soft yellow light of the lamp that falls on the white dressers, the pale green walls and floral blue curtains. The fan blows softly from the ceiling.
Everything is so different from what I have just left behind: the pain of fresh goodbyes, the uncertainty for the lives of those dear to me, the knowledge that at any moment a civil war might break out and my family could be caught in the middle of it.
The fear that someone else would leave, or get hurt haunting me day and night so that I cannot sleep at night and dare not sleep during the day. The loss of appetite, the constant churning in my stomach and tears in my eyes.

I should feel safe in this big comfortable house with my family sleeping peacefully around me in various rooms, my life no longer in danger.. I should feel at peace.

Instead I am angry. I am sad. I am tired. It's been two days since we began our journey out of Nicaragua and at last I am in a place I should be happy and safe in. But I'm not. My mind is in more danger than ever, and my heart? It aches from a thousand too-hasty stitches thrust in a desperate attempt to save me from heartbreak.
I will survive.
I will.
I must.
Musn't I?


They told me not to be sad. They told me not to cry. "we will see eachother again, sooner than you think." I write these words and remember their faces as they spoke them and tears slide down my cheeks yet again. I miss them. Dios mio I miss them. I'm worried sick for their lives. I cannot contact any of them. They told me not to be sad, they told me not to cry, they told me to smile.

I'm sorry... but I must. I must cry over you, I need to cry over what we have shared and what we have lost and what we might never have. I need to cry over your wounds and mine and I need to cry out to heaven until my voice breaks and I cannot scream any more. I need to pray on my knees with sobs racking my body praying to God to save you and keep you safe. 

You told me not to let this make my world crumble. You told me we have to be brave and strong. You told me I have to live my life. 
I can't. 
I'm sorry. 
My world is crumbling. I will live. I will hold back the tears and keep in the pain as best as I can until I am alone in my room where I can cry myself to sleep... until I am alone with God and I can beg Him to spare you. 
Noe, Willy, Aza, Kats, Key, Mami, all of you my darlings... I love you. I miss you. 
Just wait.. I'm coming back for you I promise. 
just wait

4 comments:

  1. these feelings are so so so real. i been in that place for so long and whatthehelll. " It aches from a thousand too-hasty stitches thrust in a desperate attempt to save me from heartbreak." i know how you feel. you're not alone <3
    goodbyes are way too hard. especially when you don't know if there's safety for anyone. or when/if you'll see them again. dorothy left four long years ago and i still regret and sob my heart out. my other best friend i haven't seen in a year and then he moved to mexico in march.
    i never got to say goodbye. i'll probably never see him again and i can't breathe.
    on friday i have my last day of teaching at forest school and i'm trying desparately not to think about it but it haunts the back of my mind. goodbyes have damaged me beyond repair.
    i try not to think about just how incredibly friendless i am here. mom tries putting me in all these social activities so people will befriend me, but i'm a total dunce with conversations. social anxiety fills every one of my cells. i end of creating enemies instead of friends.

    i will pray for deliverance for you from these feelings. smiling with a broken heart is impossible. i hope you feel better soon esther. you're totally rad and i can't imagine this life without you. love you <3 let me know if there's anything i can do.
    don't be afraid to cry. it's a underrated form of releasing feelings. x

    sophy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh Sophy darling.... I didn't know if anyone was going to comment on this at all... thank you so much. I can't imagine life without you either, you really are the dearest and sweetest thing.
      while I hate that something we have in common is broken hearts and too many goodbyes.. I am infinitely glad that we have eachother to hold on to in this dark time.
      i'm praying for you too... we really need to call sometime soon. <333

      Delete
  2. Esther!!! My dear!!! I know this was a while ago, but I'm just getting to it (so sorry)!!! *hugs* *HUGS* I don't know why exactly you were feeling so broken and despairing but I LOVE YOU AND I WISH I COULD HAVE HUGGED YOU SO HARD RIGHT THEN.

    (Off to read the other posts you've written since I've been here.)

    ReplyDelete
  3. My darling Rae I cannot tell you how much your comment means to me. *hugs tightly* I love you too and I wish you could have been here too haha but I'm more than happy that you are thinking of me and loving me as you are. Ahh I love you so much my dear.
    I really need to email youu

    ReplyDelete

I love comments and do my best to answer each and every one! I may be suuper late, but I will answer eventually so don't forget to click "Notify Me" so you can immediately see my response.

dude i forgot to title this one too

since last i posted so much has happened. so much that i hardly know where to begin or if i can even try. i will try, though it might take m...