The bed beneath me is covered in a white comforter, the pillows softer than anything I've leaned on in the past six months. The soft yellow light of the lamp that falls on the white dressers, the pale green walls and floral blue curtains. The fan blows softly from the ceiling.
Everything is so different from what I have just left behind: the pain of fresh goodbyes, the uncertainty for the lives of those dear to me, the knowledge that at any moment a civil war might break out and my family could be caught in the middle of it.
The fear that someone else would leave, or get hurt haunting me day and night so that I cannot sleep at night and dare not sleep during the day. The loss of appetite, the constant churning in my stomach and tears in my eyes.

I should feel safe in this big comfortable house with my family sleeping peacefully around me in various rooms, my life no longer in danger.. I should feel at peace.

Instead I am angry. I am sad. I am tired. It's been two days since we began our journey out of Nicaragua and at last I am in a place I should be happy and safe in. But I'm not. My mind is in more danger than ever, and my heart? It aches from a thousand too-hasty stitches thrust in a desperate attempt to save me from heartbreak.
I will survive.
I will.
I must.
Musn't I?


They told me not to be sad. They told me not to cry. "we will see eachother again, sooner than you think." I write these words and remember their faces as they spoke them and tears slide down my cheeks yet again. I miss them. Dios mio I miss them. I'm worried sick for their lives. I cannot contact any of them. They told me not to be sad, they told me not to cry, they told me to smile.

I'm sorry... but I must. I must cry over you, I need to cry over what we have shared and what we have lost and what we might never have. I need to cry over your wounds and mine and I need to cry out to heaven until my voice breaks and I cannot scream any more. I need to pray on my knees with sobs racking my body praying to God to save you and keep you safe. 

You told me not to let this make my world crumble. You told me we have to be brave and strong. You told me I have to live my life. 
I can't. 
I'm sorry. 
My world is crumbling. I will live. I will hold back the tears and keep in the pain as best as I can until I am alone in my room where I can cry myself to sleep... until I am alone with God and I can beg Him to spare you. 
Noe, Willy, Aza, Kats, Key, Mami, all of you my darlings... I love you. I miss you. 
Just wait.. I'm coming back for you I promise. 
just wait