Monday, June 11, 2018

monsters

i'm sitting in the dark
face in my hands
shivering-
they're coming for me


i know i should get up
i should turn on the lights
i should find someone to talk to, but-
they're coming for me


so i'm sitting in the dark
face in my hands
weeping-
i know now
i see it
they've been here all along


the monsters are here


and they whisper endlessly

not good enough
useless
worthless
unloved
unwanted
unneeded
why not just die?


i'm reaching out my hands
begging for help
screaming-
they're desperate for my heart 


i know i should fight
i can't give in to their lies 
so i cover my ears and scream to block out the noise but-

the monsters are in my head

they've been here all along


and now they laugh 
and laugh 
and laugh 



because i am defeated 









Hello my lovelies!! Sorry for being so absent lately, it's been a crazyyy past few months! I promise I will be posting an explanation and update very soon! oh and I'll fix the header to have my blog name on it again just in case we all forget where we are XD
thank you for sticking with me, dears, it means the world to me. 

 love,    
esther

Thursday, May 17, 2018



The bed beneath me is covered in a white comforter, the pillows softer than anything I've leaned on in the past six months. The soft yellow light of the lamp that falls on the white dressers, the pale green walls and floral blue curtains. The fan blows softly from the ceiling.
Everything is so different from what I have just left behind: the pain of fresh goodbyes, the uncertainty for the lives of those dear to me, the knowledge that at any moment a civil war might break out and my family could be caught in the middle of it.
The fear that someone else would leave, or get hurt haunting me day and night so that I cannot sleep at night and dare not sleep during the day. The loss of appetite, the constant churning in my stomach and tears in my eyes.

I should feel safe in this big comfortable house with my family sleeping peacefully around me in various rooms, my life no longer in danger.. I should feel at peace.

Instead I am angry. I am sad. I am tired. It's been two days since we began our journey out of Nicaragua and at last I am in a place I should be happy and safe in. But I'm not. My mind is in more danger than ever, and my heart? It aches from a thousand too-hasty stitches thrust in a desperate attempt to save me from heartbreak.
I will survive.
I will.
I must.
Musn't I?


They told me not to be sad. They told me not to cry. "we will see eachother again, sooner than you think." I write these words and remember their faces as they spoke them and tears slide down my cheeks yet again. I miss them. Dios mio I miss them. I'm worried sick for their lives. I cannot contact any of them. They told me not to be sad, they told me not to cry, they told me to smile.

I'm sorry... but I must. I must cry over you, I need to cry over what we have shared and what we have lost and what we might never have. I need to cry over your wounds and mine and I need to cry out to heaven until my voice breaks and I cannot scream any more. I need to pray on my knees with sobs racking my body praying to God to save you and keep you safe. 

You told me not to let this make my world crumble. You told me we have to be brave and strong. You told me I have to live my life. 
I can't. 
I'm sorry. 
My world is crumbling. I will live. I will hold back the tears and keep in the pain as best as I can until I am alone in my room where I can cry myself to sleep... until I am alone with God and I can beg Him to spare you. 
Noe, Willy, Aza, Kats, Key, Mami, all of you my darlings... I love you. I miss you. 
Just wait.. I'm coming back for you I promise. 
just wait

Sunday, January 21, 2018

so yeah, about that..




HEY so guess what???? I wrote, filmed and put another song on youtube!!! *CONFETTI*
the camera quality is TERRRIBLE, and it's super dark- which I thought would be cool with the christmas lights and the theme of the song ALSO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SHOW MY FACE VERY MUCH WHICH IS A BONUS buuut I feel like it just looks like I have a terrible camera. WHICH IS TRUE BUT IT'S RUDE OF YOU TO MENTION. Ahem.
Also there is a lot of background noise, including some very creepy laughing I just noticed but I guess that's what happens when you finally get an empty room- there's a heck of a lot of background noise. OH WELL

aaaanyway, here it is, and I am writing MORE and doing MORE covers and I have a feeling you're going to hear a lot more from me in the immediate future.







Lyrics:
d-i-s-t-r-e-s-s (3x) 
signal

the troops let them know
we are found
lost in the void
lost in the darkness

one by one falling down
one by one going dark 
one by one empty the sky

hands reaching
only mine reaching
for an empty sign
empty hope
empty promises

d-i-s-t-r-e-s-s (3x) 


As for the backstory I promised, I got the idea for this song while sitting watching my siblings beat the life out of a piñata and- yeah it has absolutely no bearing on that fact. I just had the melody stuck in my head and then I was like "what if I spelled out a word???" so then I got the tune on the guitar and then I wrote the lyrics the next day and then like a week later I got the room to myself and like 2 weeks later I had good enough to upload. 
SO YEAH about when I said I was going to do In My Own Little Corner, WELL it's too complicated a song for me to have the patience to learn it on the piano or guitar so I was going to just use like a karaoke version or whatever but about the 50th time I sang it I was like.... this song isn't even that great. I mean, Cindy here's a little flighty. I mean, in light of the fact that I'm writing a retelling where she is a superhero who is having insanity issues and stuff THIS SONG IS KIND OF SILLY???? if you get what I mean?? 

aaaanyway, maybe I'll do it someday, maybe not, I still have to do A Thousand Years for Allie, and all that jazz so... YEP music is coming your way soon!!!
It would be easier for you (if you want to listen to them) just to subscribe to my youtube channel, but I will be posting lyrics and sometimes backstory on here almost every time I post a video so whichever is fine. HERE's the link in case you want to. 
and yes, now I'm done rambling. 
okayloveyoubyeeeee!!!!!!!

Monday, January 15, 2018

"Hey Google,"




"Hey Google,"





"what do you put on a handkerchief to knock someone out?"


"can you spray chloroform?"


"large guns?"


"large guns with pictures?"


"how does one breathe when tense?"


"how does stress affect breathing rate?"


"she pursed her lips?"


"how long does it take to knock someone out with chloroform?"



"deadpanned definition?"




"how long does a person stay unconscious after being knocked out by chloroform?"



"where is the engine in a helicopter?"


"where would you shoot if you wanted to disable a helicopter?"


"who invented high heels?"


"what is a crime family?"


"artemis vs diana?"









Writers have to ask Google some weird questions, and these are a few of the ones I asked while writing this NaNo.

JUST SO YOU ALL KNOW, I am trying to keep up with blog posts this year. I'm not really doing New Years Goals™ just because they always annoy me and I never fulfill them anyway, BUT I am setting some ideas down that I will try to do. *reads what I just read* *realizes it's stupid*

OKAY FINE I AM DOING NEW YEARS GOALS™ STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH THOSE JUDGEY EYES.




Aaaaanyway, I am also hoping to catch up on all of y'alls blogs but IDK DON'T PRESSURE ME LIKE THAT.




Other things of note, I may or may not have STARTED FREAKING COLLEGE TODAY AND MAYBE HAVING A SLIGHT FREAK OUT SESSION BUT IN A GOOD WAY.




one tiny last thing of import: I am thinking about moving blogs???? SO I HAVE TWO QUESTIONS.

1. I know a couple of you have moved blogs before, so how do you move all your old posts and stuff to the new blog??????

2. What do you think I should call it? I have some ideas, and you can vote on which you like OR spout some new ones at me.






  • imagination gone mad
  • a mad hatter's lair
  • east wind bloweth
  • dreams of fairytales
  • accounts from ever after




alright LET ME KNOW!!!


kayloveyoubyeeeeee!!!

Sunday, December 24, 2017

things that make me smile pt.2


raking leaves with my siblings

                  a white christmas

early morning walks 

          baking cookies

                    the smell of melted butter

 christmas eve

                    sunrises from the rooftop

                                                other smiles

     long-awaited meetings

fresh cut grass

ocean waves lapping at my feet

       piano


            christmas films                      


laughter

rain on a sunny day

journal entries

charlie the unicorn

whispering in

a british accent . . . 


merry christmas, darling
    


p.s tell me honestly now, did you not just whisper that in a british accent? If not, you are no longer my favourite person

p.p.s. if you didn't smile, you're also no longer my favourite person

p.p.p.s sorry for doing this post again, but with tomorrow being Christmas, I thought it appropriate

p.p.p.p.s sorry for reals I didn't do a header this time. I just noticed I apologized for that last time and then put a header in afterwards? I'm crazy. 

Friday, December 1, 2017

the things that make me smile


        mismatched socks                                                                                     baked apples

                                                                                        finishing a story
                                                   homemade rings

lighthearted but deep songs                                                         to-do lists

                                                                                              the sound a violin makes right after it's tuned

                                                        tuning said violin

              a clean but fluffy romance

                                                              thinking of my family
 finding someone who understands me

stupid jokes that only I find funny 

                                                                                 people who laugh unapologetically 


                                    my horrid attempts at accents 

                                                                                                                  mismatched fingernail polish

stamping an envelope full of papers I put my heart into 


                                                                              Diana's (wonder woman) reaction to a baby.  


                     a two year old telling the same joke over and over


                                                                                                                         hugs


      birds flying 
                              

                             finding out a stranger is also a fan of a book/movie/series I love 

                                                                                                 
                                                                                                               red leaves on a tree






what about you? what are things that always bring a smile to your face? 


p.s. I promise I will try to post more regularly. 
p.p.s. sorry I didn't make a header for this one, I was tired. 

I feel like my usual sign off is too obnoxious for this post so I will not do any sign of at all I'll just end this he-

Sunday, November 5, 2017

BE DISTRACTED BY THE PRETTY HEADER + SNIPPETS OF A STORY













HEY LET'S JUST DELVE RIGHT INTO THIS POST AND FORGET I TOOK A SUPER LONG BREAK FROM BLOGGING OKAY? OKAY. PLZ DON'T KILL ME. 
Since I took a haitus that was only semi-planned (meaning I knew I wouldn't post AS much due to my sister's wedding but then haha yeah didn't even after all that craziness subsided) I will oblige you all by sharing snippets of a story I haven't worked on in ages. 
It IS finished, but YAH NEEDS A LOT OF EDITING (send HALP PLZ*)

I plan on editing this like crazy in the semi-near future, or enlisting some help THEN I MAY OR MAY NOT BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR BETA READERS YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING??


*why is it so much fun to write plz??????



So I'm going to be starting a new blog soon dedicated solely to my Adventure Entries so when that comes up I will share the link with you and expect you all to be good little children and subscribe to that one too!!
However, I am going to put a whole bunch of entries on there until I am completely caught up to the day I am living in and THEN I will make the blog public so I am sorry if it is a lot to catch up on, but I may end up putting it in a book and publishing it anyway SO THERE YA GO.



Here be the snippets:


The beginning few sentences:

Chopin floats gently out of the speakers as Phillip and I do the dishes. I wash, as a rule. He is too slow, and never uses enough soap. He dries, as a rule. I can't stand drying with a wet towel, and the towel never stays dry for long. Neither of us speak, and neither of us care. We love to listen to the rippling of the piano roll around the room, and are content to work in silence. As I drain my sink, and rinse the extra suds away, he puts the last dish in the cupboard. I fold the rag and drape it on its hook. He spreads his towel over the oven door handle. I sweep the floor, and he vacuums the living room.


Enter: Trouble, right stage.

¨Class, we have a new student amongst us! Please do your best to welcome him!¨ Mrs. Latimer says in her false cheerful voice- the one she only uses for adults, and welcoming new students. A boy with shockingly blond hair stands up. His eyes are a kind of brown auburn color I have never seen before.



'Sup, loser.


¨Hey! You!¨
I freeze.
¨ Yes you!¨ I turn around and see the New Kid, but he’s not talking to me. He is talking to a tall handsome guy a few feet away from me. New Kid is tiny compared to him, but he walks over and pokes Tall Guy in the chest.
“I saw you trip her!” he yells, pointing at me. My eyes widen. “You got a problem with her?”
Tall Guy smirks,“No, but I got a problem with you poking me.” he says, causing a lot of laughter. I am amazed that New Kid would stand up for me. Maybe he isn’t so bad. But then New Kid just lifts his hands in surrender and gives a nervous chuckle
“Just wondering.” he says, and backs off. Never mind.


Because I wanted to see what it would be like to enjoy math:

(pro tip: it's terrible 0.5/10 do not recommend)


I am in need of some math and chocolate to restore me to my senses. There is a bag of chocolate chips in the cupboard, so I take the whole thing, a spoon and the tub of peanut butter.



5y - 7y + 6y - 9 = 3 + 2y is… I ask myself. Phillip usually makes the meals because he was the only one who really knew how. Okay, combine terms… Now, I know enough to scrape a meal together, but still not much. Add 9, subtract… divide... I’ll have to ask Philip to teach me some more about meals. I get out the chicken, and put it in the oven like it says in the directions. I follow the recipe for everything on the label of the alfredo sauce. I love it when labels have recipes. It makes it so much easier. “Aha!” I yell out loud, “It's 6!” I check my answer quickly and then grin.
Math is so calming.



Because that's what older brothers are for:


Before Mom´s sickness, Phillip and I were basically strangers. We only spoke to each other when we were fighting, and never went into each other's rooms. I positively disliked him. Then, on the day of the funeral, Dad got mad and yelled at me for being too loud. I was barely making any noise at all. I started crying, and so Phillip came out of Mom’s room, took me gently by the shoulders and walked me to my room. We stayed up there and played Barbie dolls till supper time. I smile at the thought, because I had grown out of my Barbies a long time ago, but it was the only thing Phillip thought girls played with. We played more often after that. H always made the girls run away, and stop the Nazi Ken dolls from destroying the planet. They would try, anyway. They never won. The Nazis always caught them in the end and shot them.


She's the paramedic:


“Hello Mabel. I hoped you would come.” Phillip says from the doorway. Without turning around the woman barks a little laugh and says.
“Hiya, Squirt.” Then she does turn and then tilts her head in Paige's direction. “You should have told me you had a girlfriend, baby.” She says.
“Well I didn't want you to be jealous. That could prove hazardous for everyone's health.” He smiles back.
Paige looks confused, but I smile and Mabel throws her head back and roars with laughter.
After a minute or so, she sobers up and then jerks her thumb at me.
“What's the story with the kid?”


poetry:


White paper
Blue ink
Icy vapor
Upon the brink.


...



My brother,                 My friend
My mother                 No longer
My father                A stranger
And me.



Enter Polly Parrot:


¨Polly, this is Beatrix. Beatrix, Polly.¨ I smile back at her.
“Hi.” I say
“Hi!” she says. I can easily tell they are sisters. They both have wavy blond hair, and bright blue eyes. They both have that dimple in their chin when they talk. And they both talk. Non. Stop. They are really nice, and Polly has a very good sense of style, but by the time we get out to get our nails done, my ears are ringing.



“Have you never seen the Idiot’s Lantern?” I ask her. “That is the episode this costume is from!”
“I don’t really like the tenth Doctor.” she says. I stare at her. “What?” she demands haughtily “I can have an opinion can’t I?” I frown. That is what Jonas said. I shrug and nod at her.
“I suppose. Now put my nail polish away will you?” she does so, and then pushes my TARDIS noise a couple of times. That girl.


Thank you for your patience, peoples, it really means a lot to me!!
Also, minor note here, I had my SECOND BLOGOVERSARY on October 12 (i think????) and I MISSED IT!!! I feel terrible!!!
But I also don't have anything to celebrate with so THERE'S THAT.
Here's a quick interrogation- I mean SURVEY! Ha ha. Survey.
DO IT NOW!
lol jk u don't have 2
But Do It. 




AND THAT'S ALL!!! sorry this post was one of the old Dump Everything on You and Then RUN, but I mean you guys survived it before I turned sane (<< this was a joke. ew. why would I EVER be sane?!) so yah you can bear it again. 

kayloveyoubyeeeeeeee

monsters

i'm sitting in th e dark face in my hands shivering- they're coming for me i know i should get up i should turn on the lights...