Entry 17 (hello again)

It's 78° out and my earl grey tea is just a bit hotter, it warms my legs as it rests rather precariously on my lap. It's dusk and the mosquitoes should be out and about by now but so far they've avoided me. My line of view consists mostly of clouds, big dark grey things contrasting against the only visible part of the sky which is a faded orange color, the sun having just kissed it goodnight, and gone to wake the other side of planet Earth. The cicadas nightly symphony is in full swing, filling the night air with noise. There's always so much noise even in the silence. The swing creaking under me, the footsteps of children inside going to bed, the aforementioned insects, the faroff thrum of vehicles-- silence in my small corner of the world is relative and never true.

As I sip my tea and sit in nostalgic quiet, I wonder about my future. What it will entail, who will accompany it, what pattern it will weave in the ever changing rhythm of my heart. I hope whatever happens will be worth writing down and reflecting on and sharing with the world, albeit in the form of a blog post that not many will read.

And now the bugs have discovered my presence and I flee indoors. It's almost time for me to sleep at any rate, and I need to finish getting ready. 

I hope to continue to write about my goings on and my heart, please stay if you would like. Pull up a chair, there's plenty of tea here and there's always some kind of sweet just out of the oven. Tell me about your day, if you feel so inclined. I hope to be seeing a lot more of you in the future. 

-Esther 

sometimes it's hard to live

do you ever have trouble remembering why

you should b r e a t h e ?

do you ever fight to take a breath

because your   h e a r t  keeps asking is it really worth it?

do you choke over a response

when someone asks "how are you?"

and get so caught up in the lie of

i ' m  f i n e


that you forget to ask them back?



sometimes... its hard to live


its hard to remember what makes life


w o r t h   i t .



i'm here to tell you,

that lie that everyone tells you

to get you to calm down

at least, it feels like a lie

like a promise that no one can keep

like opening your lungs to breathe under water 

only to find that 

there was no air to breathe 

its gonna be okay 

because i know it feels bleak

God, I know it feels like you're never going to get out 

of this pit of darkness

i know it feels like your life isn't worth it anymore 

but please. please.  s t a y  

you will never be able to return 

if you turn your back 

on life now 

waves come and then go 

rain clouds dry of rain 

you will wash up on shore 

coughing up water

gasping for breath

you will be exhausted 

you will be soaked through 

and dirty 

and cold

you will never be the same.

but you will be alive. 

the storm will pass,

and as you cough out salt water from your lungs, 

and as you suck in breaths of the cold morning air 

remember 

that you were worth fighting for 

that every second of pain 

built up to this moment 

when you would be free 

and you would feel wind in your hair and the sun on your skin and the grass under your feet 

and know 

that you did it 

you made it 

you won the war for your life 

the darkness did not 

i know it feels like 

you're losing the battle

right now,

and i know 

its hard to exist sometimes

so don't make it complicated

don't worry if you can't do everything

you want to do

for now, breathe

allow yourself

to just

b r e a t h e 

my face when - THE LEGO MOVIE EDITION (feat. me fangirling and being a nuisance)

OKAY SO I had some other ideas 

but hey this was fun so here ya go. Hope you enjoy!!!  

(yeah yeah yeah I know I didn't post yesterday, but we're just gonna overlook that ok) 

My Face When I remember I have a blog and I haven't posted in 8 months 

(i'm sorry ok what else can i say T_T ) 

My Face When I actually like my outfit today!!

(its so rare?? like wha?? BUT I LOOK GOOD OK) 

My Face When I just realized that I can kill off that character that I really really love and make all my favourite authors PROUD OF ME 

... also my face: 

(but like... I love them.)

(queen watevra): My Face When I just told a realllyyy good joke and I'm waiting for everyone to get it

(batman): everyone else

My Face When I enter a library 

('nuff said)

My Face When I accidentally broke my dad's favourite mug 

My Face When I just got new sunglasses and I feel so cool now omg

My Face When we're taking a group photo

(I'm the guy with black stuff around his eyes right behind Emmet) 

My Face When I'm explaining my new story idea
(it was a very dramatic scene, okay)

My Face When my friend has a new haircut and I can't decide if she's serious when she asks me to tell her honestly if I like it

(my siblings and I) Our Faces When we're quoting movies/books and laughing loudly and then we remember we have company... and they have noo idea what we're talking about

My Face As I walked into the movie theatre to see The Lego Movie 2

My Face in the middle of watching The Lego Movie 2

My Face as I left the movie theatre after watching the Lego Movie 2 

My Face When people tell me The Lego Movie 2 isn't the greatest movie of all time (right up there with the original) 

My Face When I'm arguing with my siblings and I need to get the last words in.

My Face When I'm at the library and I found another book that looks AMAZING 

(stop looking at my stack of 11 books with those judgey eyes I WILL too read them all) 

My Face When I get a new story idea without even TRYING 

(cue me not writing it for 3456 years) 

Well thats all I can come up with, sorry its not the best one I've ever done hahahaha.. ha. *hides*  ALSO for those who read it and were confused as to why there were some blank ones.. well, blame me last night at midnight trying to finish this and me this morning thinking I did finish this and me right now realizing  I really didn't finish it.  

thanks Ellie 

SO YES I'm back but we're working on better content, okay? 

still need a new sign off

-me

oh wait, I have a blog?

*chuckles nervously*

okay okay I know what you're thinking  "oh wait, she exists??" and BELIEVE ME I'M CONFUSED TOO but hey hello hi I exist and guess what?

yeah I'm gonna try to get back into blogging hahaha we'll see how this goes. I'm going to try and write a bunch of posts and schedule them for wednesdays since I like those days, and see how long this lasts, shall we? Also, remember like a thousand years ago when I told you guys to ask me questions and I would do a Q and A? welllllllll yeah okay ask me them again and lets do it for real this time huh? Feel free to go CRAZY with the questions! The more random and quirky the better!

also, pleaseee link your blog in your comments so I can catch up on all of your posts, my inbox is clogged with so much junk that I can hardly tell what is who and where is when!!! (what are you talking about I make all the sense) thanks, lovessss <33333


Okay that's all I need sleep now

i need a new sign off

-esther 

dude i forgot to title this one too

since last i posted so much has happened. so much that i hardly know where to begin or if i can even try. i will try, though it might take more than one post. as i write, i am listening to uranus by sleeping at last and sitting in the kitchen of the community house at the mission base in louisiana, most of the lights are out, and i have two cups of tea sitting next to me that are both too sweet to drink because i accidentally made one of them much too sweet and then the second without any to help balance the first out but it's not really working.
ahem.
run-on sentences, gotta love 'em.

anyway um it's late and i'm tired but i think i will put in some pictures that capture the aesthetic of my latest novel idea which may or may not be a wizard of oz retelling so yeah.  if i can find some pictures of my own then i will compile a post at a later date but i have so much to do now-a-days that this blog is going to be a little dusty. however, FEAR NOT i am not leaving for good and i will try my hardest to blog more in the coming months. thank you to all of you who have stayed with me, i love you to the moon but not back because the moon is such a lovely place to stay and i'm tired of earth so let's stay up there, hey?

NOPE I DECIDED TO DO A LINK INSTEAD BECAUSE I AM FEELING VERY TIRED AND DEAD AND I GOTTA GET UP EARLY TOMORROW SO HERE YOU ARE

but to make it up to you, here's a snippet:

When did we become so broken? the words echoed through her mind as she watched the farmland rolling by through the open window of the bus. she let her fingers dance as if they felt a piano and not empty wind pressing against their tips.

she let the cold night air send whip her hair in all directions and kept her sunglasses on even though the only brightness that could be seen for miles came from the headlights of the bus and the stars up above.

she turned her head to look at Danny and wondered again when they had become so broken. her mind went back through the miles and miles they had traveled and to all the places they had called home. 

eventually the lights of a city could be seen on the horizon and as they made their way towards it the glow of green numbers on the dash told the time to be 9:50 pm. they slowed to a stop outside an old-fashioned diner and watched the neon open sign revolve slowly on it's axis. danny penetrated the heavy silence with a sniff and then a clearing of his throat. 

"you hungry?" he asked, his voice scratchy from not speaking for so long. terra nodded and shrugged. he sighed and pulled the keys out of the ignition. "let's go then." 

they exited the vehicle and terra instinctively reached for danny's hand. he squeezed gently. "it's alright." he whispered. terra pulled on the frayed cuff of her sweater with her right hand and bit her lip. danny entwined their fingers. we're here, his said. we will protect you. the fingers on his other hand went to her face and removed her sunglasses and the hair from her eyes. she swallowed and tried to smile. he returned her smile and they entered the diner. 

or maybe two snippets just cuz

a warm yellow glow dripped like butter from everything inside the diner. there was a long bar that stretched from one end of the room to the other, with tall ancient looking bar stools. the diner was nearly deserted, except for a couple hunched over their respective laptops with a shared pair of earbuds between them, and a young man sitting on the edge of the bar, his back to the newcomers. danny stepped forward, dragging a slightly unwilling terra along with him. he sat himself and terra down on two of the stools that looked less likely to fall apart upon contact with anything heavier than a kitten. the young man turned and his eyes crinkled into a smile though his mouth remained unscathed. he held a book in his hands that he looked to be almost finished with, so few were the pages that remained to be turned.

"give me a moment so i can finish this?" his voice had a smooth musical hint to it. danny nodded and the man turned away from them once again. relative silence fell upon them, though it was a silence full of the kind of tiny clatter that no one notices until it is gone. the hum of a refrigerator, the clatter of fingers pressing keys on a computer, and the crisp sound of a page being turned. terra slowly began to relax as she got used to the environment. the general yellow light that reigned in the diner was bright but not invasive and blue fairy lights twinkled in time to a music that only they could hear. 

at last the man finished his book. he closed it with a soft sigh, and sat for a moment as if still traversing the world he had just been reading about. then he jumped off the counter and twirled around to face his costumers. 

"welcome to munchies," he said. "i just finished a book so if i act a little strange it's probably because i am still mentally traversing in the world i have just been reading about." this announcement brought a smile to danny's lips. "what can i get for you two?" the man asked. 

danny glanced down at the shiny pin fastened to the man's shirt. "glen, is it?" 

"yes." the man blinked as he said this, reminding terra of the way animated characters nod their approval of something. 

"well, glen, what's the special of the day?" 

monsters

i'm sitting in the dark
face in my hands
shivering-
they're coming for me


i know i should get up
i should turn on the lights
i should find someone to talk to, but-
they're coming for me


so i'm sitting in the dark
face in my hands
weeping-
i know now
i see it
they've been here all along


the monsters are here


and they whisper endlessly

not good enough

useless

worthless

unloved

unwanted

unneeded

why not just die?

i'm reaching out my hands

begging for help

screaming-

they're desperate for my heart 

i know i should fight

i can't give in to their lies 

so i cover my ears and scream to block out the noise but-

the monsters are in my head

they've been here all along

and now they laugh 

and laugh 

and laugh 

because i am defeated 

Hello my lovelies!! Sorry for being so absent lately, it's been a crazyyy past few months! I promise I will be posting an explanation and update very soon! oh and I'll fix the header to have my blog name on it again just in case we all forget where we are XD

thank you for sticking with me, dears, it means the world to me. 

 love,    

esther

The bed beneath me is covered in a white comforter, the pillows softer than anything I've leaned on in the past six months. The soft yellow light of the lamp that falls on the white dressers, the pale green walls and floral blue curtains. The fan blows softly from the ceiling.
Everything is so different from what I have just left behind: the pain of fresh goodbyes, the uncertainty for the lives of those dear to me, the knowledge that at any moment a civil war might break out and my family could be caught in the middle of it.
The fear that someone else would leave, or get hurt haunting me day and night so that I cannot sleep at night and dare not sleep during the day. The loss of appetite, the constant churning in my stomach and tears in my eyes.

I should feel safe in this big comfortable house with my family sleeping peacefully around me in various rooms, my life no longer in danger.. I should feel at peace.

Instead I am angry. I am sad. I am tired. It's been two days since we began our journey out of Nicaragua and at last I am in a place I should be happy and safe in. But I'm not. My mind is in more danger than ever, and my heart? It aches from a thousand too-hasty stitches thrust in a desperate attempt to save me from heartbreak.
I will survive.
I will.
I must.
Musn't I?


They told me not to be sad. They told me not to cry. "we will see eachother again, sooner than you think." I write these words and remember their faces as they spoke them and tears slide down my cheeks yet again. I miss them. Dios mio I miss them. I'm worried sick for their lives. I cannot contact any of them. They told me not to be sad, they told me not to cry, they told me to smile.

I'm sorry... but I must. I must cry over you, I need to cry over what we have shared and what we have lost and what we might never have. I need to cry over your wounds and mine and I need to cry out to heaven until my voice breaks and I cannot scream any more. I need to pray on my knees with sobs racking my body praying to God to save you and keep you safe. 

You told me not to let this make my world crumble. You told me we have to be brave and strong. You told me I have to live my life. 
I can't. 
I'm sorry. 
My world is crumbling. I will live. I will hold back the tears and keep in the pain as best as I can until I am alone in my room where I can cry myself to sleep... until I am alone with God and I can beg Him to spare you. 
Noe, Willy, Aza, Kats, Key, Mami, all of you my darlings... I love you. I miss you. 
Just wait.. I'm coming back for you I promise. 
just wait